I was reading Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest" today, catching up on a few entries I'd missed, and it talked about how self-pity is sinful, and how it stems from self-consciousness (which is not itself sinful, but it doesn't help matters).I don't think this is self pitying, but I believe self consciousness is near impossible to avoid at the moment.
Ever had one of those days where all your faults and failures run through your head in an unending stream? Where you feel overwhelmed by the tasks at hand, and don't want to tackle them, even though you know things will be better if you do?
I seem to have had a week like that. Perhaps more. Not even the things I want to do are very exciting at the moment. Is this what they call depression? Everyone seems distant- even God, though I know it isn't true. I know he's here, but it feels like a huge gap between us. I've prayed for guidance on a big issue and I'm still waffling back and forth, uncertain as to how to proceed.
The voice in my head seems to be trying to convince me I'm worthless, and it's harder to resist than I expected. Now, I don't want "Aww, but you're not worthless, luv!" comments, please. Even if you mean them sincerely, it's not going to help. If anything, it'll make it worse.
I'm at a loss as to how to get out of this pseudo-Slough of Despond. "Let God work through you". How? "Surrender to Christ". What does that look like, practically? There seems to be no clear answer to many of my questions. Bitterness, legalism, derision, prejudice, false smiles... this is what I'm encountering from people I once thought pillars of faith.
I've been saved by faith in Jesus Christ, who gave himself for me. Beyond that fact, my day to day life really makes little sense and doesn't seem to have much point to it.
Maybe I should embark on Ecclesiastes. It sounds like something I can relate to at the moment.
"I have seen all the works that are done under the sun; and indeed, all is vanity and grasping for the wind... And I set my heart to know wisdom and to know madness and folly. I perceived that this also is grasping for the wind. For in much wisdom is much grief, And he who increases knowledge increases sorrow." ~Ecclesiastes 1:14, 17-18
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*LysSnugs* I've sent you a PM. I'm praying for you. It seems ironic, but reading Ecclesiastes, or even Job, might be just the thing you need. So long as you read them to the end where the turning-point is. I read Job when I was struggling with the disappointment of the lost scholarship.Psalms is also good (David knew how it felt to be depressed).
ReplyDeleteAjjie >'.'<
Frankly, Sarah, you just grind your nails into your palms and hold on, and you get through it. I have been many times where you are right now, broken off, adrift from everything, waiting seemingly in vain for the sudden arm of the Lord to lift me up. The fact is, he doesn't usually work like that. It is perfectly true, and you know it, that God is with you in this. No, you don't feel it; no, you don't see it; you may not feel a lick of peace or revival of spirit suddenly wake within you - but the fact is that you have to keep going. Hold on to the truth of Christ and keep bloody going. And I know for myself, and it must be true of you too, that one day I will look back on those empty times and discover in all what moments the arm of the Lord was really upholding me, and what thoughts were governed by his wisdom. We may not see, we may not feel, but blessed are those who neither see nor feel, but believe.
ReplyDelete"He cannot 'tempt' to virtue as we do to vice. He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away his hand; and if only the will to walk is really there, he is pleased even with their stumbles. Do not be deceived, Wormwood. Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys." C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters
Do not fear. I'm not about to leave the church or anything. In fact, I /dragged/ myself to church yesterday. Didn't retain too much, but I was there, at least.
ReplyDeleteI have the head knowledge that He is here. And I constantly remind myself of it. But it's hard when it's truly a CONSTANT thing- over and over and over.
The hardest part is the rerun of all the times I've put my foot in it.
Basically I guess I'm frustrated. But I am pressing on. What else could I do?
May I suggest a book that has helped my mom and I out of pretty much a life time of what you feel you are going through right now?
ReplyDeleteIt is written by the pastor of New Creation Church in Singapore, and is called Destined To Reign. My mom has read it (and owns it), and, though I haven't read the book myself, I have heard him teach on the very things in this book. It is eye opening, and has helped me claim the victory God has already given us and remain in the Shalome peace of God through many, many attacks of the enemy.
If you can find it at your library or church or bookstore (however you can get your hands on it), get it. And, if you do, I hope it will help you, too. *snugs*
Sorry, I didn't mean to imply you were going to leave the church - I was just encouraging you to fight the temptation to skip. Hope you've had a better day today. *snugs*
ReplyDelete