I was reading Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest" today, catching up on a few entries I'd missed, and it talked about how self-pity is sinful, and how it stems from self-consciousness (which is not itself sinful, but it doesn't help matters).I don't think this is self pitying, but I believe self consciousness is near impossible to avoid at the moment.
Ever had one of those days where all your faults and failures run through your head in an unending stream? Where you feel overwhelmed by the tasks at hand, and don't want to tackle them, even though you know things will be better if you do?
I seem to have had a week like that. Perhaps more. Not even the things I want to do are very exciting at the moment. Is this what they call depression? Everyone seems distant- even God, though I know it isn't true. I know he's here, but it feels like a huge gap between us. I've prayed for guidance on a big issue and I'm still waffling back and forth, uncertain as to how to proceed.
The voice in my head seems to be trying to convince me I'm worthless, and it's harder to resist than I expected. Now, I don't want "Aww, but you're not worthless, luv!" comments, please. Even if you mean them sincerely, it's not going to help. If anything, it'll make it worse.
I'm at a loss as to how to get out of this pseudo-Slough of Despond. "Let God work through you". How? "Surrender to Christ". What does that look like, practically? There seems to be no clear answer to many of my questions. Bitterness, legalism, derision, prejudice, false smiles... this is what I'm encountering from people I once thought pillars of faith.
I've been saved by faith in Jesus Christ, who gave himself for me. Beyond that fact, my day to day life really makes little sense and doesn't seem to have much point to it.
Maybe I should embark on Ecclesiastes. It sounds like something I can relate to at the moment.
"I have seen all the works that are done under the sun; and indeed, all is vanity and grasping for the wind... And I set my heart to know wisdom and to know madness and folly. I perceived that this also is grasping for the wind. For in much wisdom is much grief, And he who increases knowledge increases sorrow." ~Ecclesiastes 1:14, 17-18